I'm back.

I've been SO busy. I promise I'll sit down and write a little obituary for Poppy when a get a break from midterms. I've been so caught up with just trying to survive this last month. It was one month ago that I got on a plane and flew down to LA to be with Poppy. Next Wednesday, he'll have been gone 4 weeks. I can't believe it's been 4 weeks. I see him often when I sleep. He's doing fine, I just know it. We were blessed that he accepted the Lord before he died. That's been a harder realization for me than his death. I've been anticipating his departure for so long (I remember being 10 and doing the math and figuring he wouldn't be around to see my first child. I was right) but his salvation was a surprise. I've spoken to him so many times about the blessings in my life since I found Christ. He always patted me on the head and told me it was no use. Well, it's a comfort and a relief.

On to the rest of my life. I took a quiz last week in my Cell Regulation class (my major, taught by my master advisor) and thought I bombed it. When she revealed the mean was 11/15 points, I nearly puked. I NEVER get below the mean. Then she said she doesn't curve (unusual for a 150-person upper division science course) and I knew I was screwed. I grabbed my quiz and flipped to the back page. 15/15. A perfect score! WHAT?! Apparently because she doesn't curve, she accepts "creative" explanations :) Hah.

Let's see, I took a midterm in Human Physiology (love this class, wish it were my major) and got almost two Std Dev above the mean, which means I got a solid A. Excellent. I've got two big midterms this next week in Physics and a full-length midterm in Cell Regulation. *sigh* Then two weeks with nothing and one week with 3 midterms!! WHOO! [/sarcasm]

Carl's chugging along with his triathlon training (full-distance Ironman in September) and I'm getting ready to go to Hawaii with my friend Joanne. I can't wait. The only real vacation I've ever been on was my honeymoon, so this should be fun. Check out this awesome picture:

I can't believe that is the same water that touches our beautiful but freezing shore. I've never been in warm sea water, so it should be awesome! More details to follow.

Rest in Peace, Poppy

Poppy passed away on Wednesday the 2nd at 7:02 pm. I'll post about it more later.

Update on Poppy

Poppy's PEG (feeding) tube placement went well. He's sleeping and recovering well.

I'm very relieved.

Spring Break

So much for a relaxing, productive Spring Break! Monday morning I got a call that my Poppy (mom's dad) was in the hospital. He has Parkinson's Disease and was admitted because he couldn't breathe. They suctioned out his lungs and found over a quart of fluid. The following "posts" are emails I sent to friends.

Monday morning:
My Poppy (my grandfather that I've lived with since infancy) is in the hospital. He has pneumonia and swallowing problems (dysphagia). They're trying to convince my mom to authorize a permanent feeding tube, but they aren't sure what to do yet.

As of yesterday, the doctor was discussing end-of-life care and giving him a "maybe 50/50" chance of surviving. He's looking a better today, but he's still in the Intensive Care Unit. I'm waiting until the next check from the doctor to decide whether or not I'll fly down to LA.

Please pray for Poppy, as he's not a believer. Also, pray for my mom, she's very unstable and I'm concerned about her becoming suicidal when he passes. Please pray for me. I have a very small family circle and Poppy was the only father-figure I knew when I was little, and the only grandparent I've ever known. I'm going to have a tough time when he goes, and I need strength. I need to know the right time to fly down there to be with him. Carl doesn't know what to do for me, he's never experienced a death in his immediate family, so he's in new territory right now, as well.

Monday night:
I spoke to Poppy's doctor and Poppy seems to be doing better. He has advanced stage Parkinson's disease and one of the symptoms is problems with swallowing coordination (dysphagia). He inhales when he is breathing, so fluid and food builds up in his lungs. They took more than a quart of fluid out of his right lung yesterday and he's breathing better now.

Right now the main concern is the the aspiration pneumonia, but after that it's preventing this from occurring again. They want to place a PEG tube (a tube from his stomach to the outside of his abdomen) to avoid him needing to swallow for nutrition. It's a gastric feeding tube. It's a fairly easy procedure, but he has a bad history with surgeries and is now refusing to consider the surgery.

The doctor anticipates that he will either choke or drown on food or water within a month if he doesn't get the surgery. He is getting weaker and weaker because he can't eat very much and he is already dangerously thin. The doctor anticipates the surgery could improve the quality of life by allowing him to gain weight and grow stronger. If things stay the way they are now, my mom will no longer be able to care for him and he'd most likely end up in a nursing home if he doesn't get the surgery, though Poppy is in denial about it.

Please keep us in your prayers. Poppy is being stubborn about the surgery, and I'm praying he gives in soon. We have a couple days before he'd be ready to have the surgery, so we have some time. My mom is really upset and angry with him right now, so please pray for her strength. I've decided that I won't be going down to LA right now. There isn't much I can do and Carl and I can't afford to shell out $300 for the flights. The doctor promised to make it clear if things take a turn for the worse.

Wednesday AM:

I'm at the airport right now.

I'm not sure what the last update I gave you was, but they now need to open up his chest to remove most or all of his right lung. My Poppy is refusing surgery at this time, so I'm going down to be with him and try to convince him. The surgery is risky because he is so weak, but if he doesn't have it, he'll die of infection in a few days. The surgeon said that if he gets the surgery today, he'll be in pretty good shape to make it out alive, but tomorrow he is likely to be critical and the surgery will kill him. He's being stubborn and foolish and my mom and I are doing our best to convince him to get the surgery. The surgeon ordered a psych consult to determine his ability to make medical decisions. I'm hoping that if he continues to refuse the surgery, they will give my mom the ability to make medical decisions for him.

Wednesday afternoon:
Poppy agreed to surgery while I was on the plane and got wheeled in as I was landing. After 2 hours Mom and I got word that he came out safely. They removed 1/4 of his right lung and a quart of fluid. He is on a ventilator for at least 24 hours and isn't out of of the woods yet. Now we need to worry about infection and he still needs surgery to insert a feeding tube.

We are very happy he made it through this major surgery and we're hoping for more good news with his recovery. Thanks again for all the prayers.

Thursday:
Poppy is doing SO much better. I just got home (Thurs 11pm) and I'm exhausted. I miss Poppy, but I have to get things together before school starts on Monday. I spent the whole day with him in Critical Care, fluffing pillows and putting Chapstick on him. I was with him when they removed the intubation tube, and he was MUCH happier without it. He is off the ventilator, talking, sleeping, and all that. He is still in a lot of pain, but the doctors said he needs to stay off the serious pain meds because they might make breathing difficult and they'd have to put him back on the ventilator.

So far the cultures of his lung fluid are coming back with just normal saliva bacteria. The big worry was some antibiotic-resistant bacteria. We still are waiting on the cultures from the surgery. His heart is doing well, everything is on track.

His behavior is much better, too. He agreed to the feeding tube and they are setting up a consult for the procedure tomorrow.

Please pray that infection stays away. That's the big worry and it could kill him very quickly. Also pray that once the feeding tube is placed, he'll gain weight and strength. My mom is facing financial and health problems right now, on top of the stress of Poppy's hospitalization. Please pray for her strength and provision during this time.

Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

—James 5:13-16

Dear God, She Can Cook!

I am here to tell all (one) of my readers that I can actually (still) cook. It's been so long since I've cooked in anything beyond a CrockPot (not real cooking, but still has its place in the busy family's life) or a frozen lasagna box.

Tonight, I made a delicious Tortellini Soup! I know, I know, it's painfully easy to make a tortellini soup, but still, I did it, and it was delish! It had spinach cheese tortellini, leeks, yellow squash (thinly sliced), zucchini (again, thinly sliced), tomatoes, fresh spinach, and a grated Parmesan garnish. Damn me for forgetting the crusty French rolls that belong with this yummy (and healthy) soup.

So, a few days before my first finals and I attempted to be a good little wife and make my husband dinner for our "Date Night." He liked the soup and wants a repeat with a few changes (thicker sliced veggies, red pepper flakes and those rolls that I forgot). Wish me luck on finals. Physics and Health Sciences Writing on Tuesday, Genetics on Friday. I can't believe Spring Quarter is just 2 weeks away! Yikes!

P.S.
I know this is a pathetic first post in three months, but I'm working on it and I'm going to attempt more regular posting. I need to brush up on my writing skills now that the MCAT is less than 6 months away.

This is for Mayra...

Last Wednesday night I was at the UC Davis Medical Center Emergency Department, the only Level I pediatric trauma center in Northern California. I am there weekly to work as a research associate, assisting the physicians with their research projects and screening patients for clinical research.

One of the major perks of the position is that in my down time between patients, I get to talk to the physicians and observe trauma. As a hospital volunteer, I'm allowed (when there is space) to enter the resuscitation room and watch the doctors work on the trauma patients. Car accidents are popular. A few weeks ago someone was electrocuted (missed that one), basically, if you can severely injure yourself doing it, patients do it. It's an invaluable experience for me, as it shows me emergency medicine, raw and real. But peoples lives are on the line, and one mustn't forget that.

Wednesday night, I was in the ED at about 18:30 when the doctors in the pediatric resus room started buzzing. Traumas create a lot of action in the ED, and when one is one its way, blue plastic gowns and spit shields are donned . Then we wait. A seven year old automobile versus pedestrian was brought in, bleeding and broken. I can't give significant details, but she was very severely injured. She had been crushed and dragged 100 feet. I stood and watched the amazing team of physicians work on this child, as if she was their own. They were desperate, fully committed, they way you would want them to be if they were working on your child. I could only think, "How could this happen? Did the driver have a seizure? Was the child crossing illegally?" My view of the patient wasn't great. I stood in the back and heard orders shouted, discussion of her injures, and someone say "drunk driver." I reeled. I wanted to vomit. A foolish decision caused this child to suffer these injuries? Someone actually DID THIS to her? It wasn't some terrible accident? As the trauma care unfolded, so did the story. She was walking with her mom on the sidewalk when a drunk driver jumped the curb and hit them from behind. The girl's mother was thrown, Mayra was trapped under the car and dragged 100 feet before Steve Crismond's car finally hit a pole. Her body was trapped under one of the wheels of the car, and she wasn't even known to be a victim until bystanders trying to help her mother found her screaming, "My baby! My baby!" Her baby was under the car.

How does something like this happen? I don't know. As I stood in the ED Wednesday night, I prayed hard. I prayed for that little girl's life, I begged God not to take her, though I knew her life would be full of pain if she survived. Maybe it was a selfish prayer. I didn't want to stand there and watch her die. I wanted hope. I wanted my faith to be proven. "Please God. Not her. Not now." I prayed for the doctors and surgeons, "Give them strength, no matter what happens." I prayed for the child's mother, who was surely wishing she had been the one under the car instead of her baby. Mayra went to surgery, and I stood for a moment, watching the janitor come in with his mop. I watched the techs and the nurses clean equipment and prepare for the next horror to arrive. I went home not much later. I had decided that Mayra would be okay, but I knew her life was fragile.

Thursday morning, Gabriel Esquivel called to tell his wife that her baby died that morning after a night of surgery. I heard about it on the news and put my head in my hands and sobbed. Then, I did what I had to do. I wiped my face, pulled out my books and studied for my final exam.

Life isn't fair. It isn't convenient, nor easy.

Have you ever been in a car accident? I have, and the worst part is that deadening halt. There you are, going at some reasonable speed, suddenly, something stops you, and that force of being jerked out of your perceived reality (in your head you're still traveling down the road uneventfully) into this new reality of brokenness. Medicine can do that, too. Medicine throws a concrete wall in front of you while you're going 65mph down the 101 and jerks you out of your perceived reality. Suddenly, there is nothing left to do except clean up and move on.

I started this to save time...

The original purpose of this blog (when I signed up for it and abandoned it 8 months ago) was to save time. That seems to be the focus of nearly all of my activities nowadays. It's all about school. Exam here, exam there. I don't have time to let everyone in my life know what is going on, so why not broadcast it?

I think now, I'll also use it to share my experiences in medicine, school, the world in general. Maybe my thoughts and ideas will be useful to someone. We'll see.

So here's the deal. In addition to a wonderful husband, 3 dogs, a great apartment, an great job and my life ahead of me, I've signed a cosmic agreement with God that if I work my butt off for the rest of my life and sacrifice myself, he'll let me do what I love - medicine. Not a bad deal, right? Are there easier career choices with better hours and more money? Sure. Could I be successful with something other than medicine? I think so. Would I love my job? No way. I'm hooked on health care. It's a calling.

So there is the idea. Now let's see if it works.